You said you aren't reading this anymore. I don't know if that's true. I guess I'll never know. I guess it doesn't matter, it doesn't really change what I say, I just wonder if you know about it or not.

I am sorry I didn't have the guts to tell you to your face that I was really done. I didn't know I was gonna get that upset. I keep reaching new limits to how much you can hurt me. And I'm sorry that I blame you, even though this was my decision. I blame you for letting me.

Whether you know it or not, I would never have given you up for a guy. I would never give Stacey up for a guy. If it came down to that, I love her and know her enough to know that she's must see something that I don't. She would also never ask me to give up something that was right for me.

I would never do that to you either. I just don't think she's right for you. I think you're both trying really hard to make it right, but I don't believe trying is enough. It doesn't matter that I'm sorry, or that I want to be with you, or any of that, but it does matter that she's not the one. I hope you don't stay with her just to prove me wrong - just so you won't have to admit someday that you made the wrong decision. I don't wish that kind of unhappiness on you.

But i do wish we could have had a chance to be happy. It's my fault we never had a chance before. And it's your fault we don't have a chance now. Seems like we're evenly to blame. I love you. The timing is bad. Sometimes people just can't get it together. I tend to think that if two people really love each other but they just can't get it together, they need to try harder - my only conclusion that you don't and never have really loved me.

That's fine. It's just something that's really hard for me to accept. I wasted a lot of time and a lot of myself on you. Generally I'm not very willing to do that - and right now I don't feel like I ever want to do that again. I don't want anyone to have the chance to hurt me as much as you did - you are - it's not like it's over. It's not like i'm just going to feel better. My best bet is to try to burn/drink/eat/not eat/whatever thoughts of you out of head. And pray that they go away quickly.

It's not like I haven't prayed for that already. Or more accurately prayed that I could understand why this was happening and what I needed to do. You think that just because I feel like that answer wasn't to let you go that I wasn't listening. Maybe you're not listening. Maybe you're not praying. Maybe you just want this to work out the way you've already decided is right.

Maybe that's why I don't think we can ever be friends. I have to forget about you to be okay. Forgetting about you is not synonymous with being friends again. And if I can get through right now, the worst time in my life, then I can get through life without you. It doesn't seem unfair of me at all to hold you to a high standard - if you're not there for me when I really need it, then forget it.
And you haven't been there for me for months.

I'm still angry at how easily I would forget everything and forgive you. How easily I would trust you to not hurt me. How easily I would fall into you. It hurts.

i forgot to say that i'm desparate
and pathetic

as if that's a secret

and i'm pissed
at myself

b/c no matter how mad i am at you
i could be over it in 10 seconds
and i still want you

stacey said that maybe this isn't a movie, maybe it's a tv show
like scrubs
or friends

I hear what he's saying, but truthfully I don't understand.

Did he used to like me? He thought it was enough at some point, or that's what he said. Was he lying? Did he not mean it?

I guess sometimes I just think that he forced me love him. He forced me to want to be with him. It doesn't seem fair that when it finally happens, he's over it.

I feel wasted. Like it you ordered a sub at subway and they were really slow at making it and by the time they finished you decided you didn't want it anymore. So it just gets thrown in the trash.

I feel like trash. Like i'm not really worth anything.

I don't understand why i was led to believe that I could be enough, when that's not how it is. I just don't get it.

Last visit today – glad it’s over.
I talked about this morning. I talked about how I was seriously considering not going back to work. How quitting seems like the best solution.
Somehow I ended up back here.

I cried. It was embarrassing. I said that I didn’t want to do this. That I need Brian. That I don’t even feel like a whole person without him in my life. That I don’t want to get up in the morning. That I can’t go to sleep at night.
He asked me if trying to be friends solved any of these problems. I told the truth – No. I still feel that way. I just have hope that it can get better. That’s the problem. Things are the same either way, except for one way I have no ties and can try to get over it, and the other way I have hope – maybe false hope that things will improve.
Doc says, then why would you not choose hope? Is he crazy? Does he not understand that all that creates is disappointment? I’m disappointed again every day. And that’s not really an exaggeration. I cry over every little thing – every single time it feels like a new knife being stabbed into me. It’s not fair for me to have to feel this way. That’s why I would not choose hope.
Things don’t always happen the way their supposed to. There isn’t always a pretty little plan. I do believe that. I also believe that things happen the way they are supposed to and sometimes for reasons that we’re not capable of knowing. So don’t tell me things like this isn’t a good way to start something. Not that I think it is, but I also don’t think it matters. Things happen how they happen. There aren’t any rules.
And I guess this is the story of how we stopped knowing each other.

I'm sick of this shit.
I quit.

This is ridiculous. I've cried for about an hour and a half total today. I'm glad this stupid doctor is done with next week. I'm not paying someone to tell me there's nothing wrong with me. I agree - I don't really think i have a problem either, but...

some people would say that if you're going to want to die almost everyday, and cry for hours on end, maybe you have a problem

some people also say I should just get over it, move on, find someone who makes me happy

people say all kinds of shit. It doesn't matter. A lot of people just don't understand - I don't think you can get it unless it's happening to you.

Yes, I cry a lot. Yes, I want to die sometimes, and yes, I do both of these things far more than average. But there's nothing wrong with me - I'm just completely and totally heartbroken, and i'm still in the denial stage, so i don't see it getting better in a hurry or anything. People need to stop pressuring me and expecting me to be happy - I'm not happy, can't you understand that? It's not that I don't want to be - I do, more than anything. I'm just not. I've learning a very painful lesson - and it's taking me a while - I hope that I learn it correctly.

I don't mean to be so defensive today. I've just felt really bad all day. Being alone really makes it worse. I keep trying to distract myself - but a person can only watch so many movies in one day. In between, i just end up imagining what other people are doing this very minute, or what I want to be doing. And then I end up crying. An endless cycle, to what seems like an endless day. Can't it just be time for stacey to be home already. At least she distracts me from wanting to die.

Why does everyone think it's so stupid that there's only one thing important to me at all right now?

Logic. Reason. Common sense. I can do that.
Consider this simple equation.
(1+1)/2 =0
now that's obviously incorrect. No one can logically make that make sense.

Normally i'm all about the illogical - but I'm trying to operate in logic land. Where things have to make sense. And this my dear, does not make any sense.

Who am i to say what makes sense. I think grabbing my hand and jumping off the cliff makes sense. And would make me tremendously happy.

No one likes her.

Place: Botanical Gardens
Time: Spring 2013 or Fall 2012

I need to do something for myself. I just can't figure out what it is.
Something to make me feel like I deserve to be alive.
Something to make me like myself.
Something so I can just be normal again - this isn't who I am.

I'm insecure about everything.
There isn't one picture from my recent trip that I don't want deleted.
I'm embarrassed by how disgusting I look in them.
I don't really understand how I can lose nearly 20 lbs and still look like that.
Guess the crazy diet is going to have to start again next week.
I keep hoping that another 20 will fix the way I feel about myself.

Even though I know it won't.

I need to stop writing on here.
Sharing makes me feel a little bit better.
And it's generally good for me.
But it's not good when Brian reads it.
It's a little too honest. There are some things I really should keep to myself.
Things that only make me look even more psycho than I actually am.
Things that make me look like a desperate freak who stays home alone all weekend freaking out and stalking people because she has no friends and stalking makes her feel in control.

Sometimes, scratch that, all the time, I just want/need to hear him say that he thinks I'm pretty, and that he thinks I'm good enough, and that he thinks I have a reason to be alive. What's so wrong with wanting/needing that sometimes, just to get through the dark times?

I wish I could sleep, but I just can't. I can't stop compulsively thinking about this. I can't stop compulsively picking myself apart. I can't make the voices in my head shut up and just let me rest. I'm so glad Stacey's going to be back tomorrow. She's the only thing that helps me keep it together right now. I know it's hard for her to carry that weight. I'm so thankful that I have her - the one and only friend I have that I can actually talk to about anything and rely on for everything. I used to think that I had two of those friends, but I really just have one. I shouldn't be greedy, some people don't even have one.

I still need to do something that will make me feel better about myself. I need to fast forward through this process. That I know is going to take a year or more. I just need it to be over. Resolution. I'm ready to watch the end of the movie now.

Apparently I've been going about this all wrong.
Shows that I'm just being real, not trying to play this game.
It seems as though every single thing i have done and felt is the exact wrong thing to do if you want someone to like you. Go figure.

The pamphlet says I should not admit that i'm upset. Hide my feelings. Act cool and fun.

That's bullshit. I don't feel that way, why would i want to act that way just to get someone to like me.

Life is bullshit.

About Me Exercise

1. I am pretty.
2. I am a healthy weight for me.
3. I have muscular legs that I like to call steroid legs.
4. I have blue eyes and blonde hair - the most sought after combination.
5. I like outdoorsy stuff even though I have zero athletic ability.
6. I'm okay with not being sporty - I take competition too seriously anyway.
7. I am smart. Much smarter than average. I learn new things quickly and easily.
8. I like learning. I'm kind of a dork. I learn something new by googling everyday.
9. I'm really good at using google. People come to me for help.
10. I hold myself to a high standard. I seek perfection in areas that are impossible.
11. I look for perfection in other people.. I am often too hard on them for small imperfections.
12. I am hypocritical.
13. I will never do illegal drugs.
14. I like sex.
15. I'm not very modest.
16. But it takes me forever to get comfortably enough to be myself sexually.
17. I'm uncomfortable expressing my emotions. I'm afraid to trust other people not to hurt me.
18. I'm deeply afraid of being laughed at and/or looking stupid.
19. I want lots of children. I love children. I'm worried I'm running out of time.
20. I prefer to maintain control in my relationships. I have trouble trusting other people to make correctt decisions when I relinquish control.
21. I find dark hair much more attractivce than blonde hair - except on me.
22. I will never date a guy whose hands are smaller than mine.
23. I want to be protected from pain - I want to be naive.
24. I've thought about missionary work lots of times in the past but never had the guts to pursue it.
25. I like when people sing to me.
26. I like to be spoken to in other languages. It's a huge turn on.
27. I'm only attracted to highly intelligent people.
28. I really want to have a normal church that I feel a part of. I don't think those exist in California. Before i moved here, I think that was part of the reason I wanted to come here. Maybe I can change things.
29. I see myself eventually settling in STL or Chicago.
30. I love the beach. But i love it any more when it's warm and clear.

We just need to drop the bullshit. Out of my top 5 (well 4 actually, i don't have a 5), you're the only one I have bullshit with.

We both need to be completely honest. I think if we're completely honest we'll also believe each other. It's hard - I don't really know how to do it, in some ways I don't even know what the truth is anymore.

I'm still waiting to see the movie where you end up with her.

Be vulnerable.
- I feel like just writing on this blog is me being vulnerable. I don't like to talk about my feelings much. I feel awkward. I'm not sure I really know what it feels like to be in love - I know I've never felt the way I do right now before. But that doesn't really mean anything.
- I feel like crying is me being vulnerable. I'm really embarrassed to cry in front of people. I don't like for people to know how bad they hurt me. It just provides ammunition to hurt me again in the future.
- I feel vulnerable everytime I say "I really miss you" or even just send a message asking what is up.
- I'm willing to be more vulnerable with you - but really I don't know how. It seems like it's all hanging out there. I feel emotionally naked. And i'm much more willing to be physically naked.

Be real.
- I don't know how much more real I can be. The way I feel is enough for me. I'm looking for someone just like you. I need to stop hoping that you'll realize you want someone just like me.
- It was suggested that I haven't really laid it all out there enough. But i have no idea what more I could do. Regardless of what it seems, I listen. I am willing to change. I'm also willing to move to a black hole where no one else matters.

"Since you have 3 more visits required, and you really don't need this, let's have a little fun with it. I'm going to give you my opinion as a friend here, well we're not really friends, but we could be, this is just my personal opinion, it doesn't mean anything more than your opinion, it's just something to think about."

"you need to stop being so hard on yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. Your not perfect - but no one is. Stop putting such high expectations on yourself. Hell, stop putting such high expectations on everything. Just let things roll, let them be however they want to be. You'd think a relaxing vacation in Hawaii would do that for you - but apparently it just strings you up even more. It's insecurity - that's all."

"Stop playing with Brian. Just be real. Be yourself. If you feel like crying, cry. If you have a real problem with his gf tell him so. Hell, tell her. Just don't bottle it up and let it explode."

"Stop being so insecure that you need validation every second. You have no reason to be insecure. There are plenty of people that are jealous of you. You have no reason to worry. It doesn't matter if you can get Brian to say it - he thinks your cool, and pretty, and a dozen other things. Frankly, it sounds like he adores you, I don't know why else he would put up with all of this."

"There's only one thing you can do - it sounds like you've tried to do it, but haven't gotten completely there. Just lay it all out on the table. Every single bit, every fear, every worry, everything. If you are real - he will believe you. There's only one way it can end - with your happiness.

quote of the day -
"Since you have 3 more visits required, and you really don't need this, let's have a little fun with it. I'm going to give you my opinion as a friend here, well we're not really friends, but we could be, this is just my personal opinion, it doesn't mean anything more than your opinion, it's just something to think about."

In progress. Will finish later.

too many young cute honeymooners here. makes me feel like shit.
i want to get married.
i want my life to be fantastic.
why isn't this working?

You make me so angry. You make me want to hurt myself.
You always focus on the wrong parts. You focus on the wrong parts of me too.
The bad parts. You don't sit around making lists of the good things.

Focusing on the bad makes this easier for you.

I'm going to go think inappropriate thoughts about you in my bed. Take that.

Today was draining. Crying always makes me emotionally drained though.

I'm going to try harder.
I'm going to try harder to let brian give this a try.
If it's really not right, then it won't work out, right?

Today, when Brian said that he was afraid he was going to get hurt, I had two instant reactions...
1. Feeling terrible for him. I don't want him to get hurt ever again. Not by anyone. I hope that doesn't happen to him. I'll kill the bitch.

2. Feeling selfish and upset that he thinks that way. If Michelle decided she didn't want to be with him anymore, he'd be single. And even if Brian did like me. I'd still be second choice. I'm not okay with being second choice. It's completely different if he decided he didn't want to be with her. So yes, I want them to break up, but no, I don't want her to break up with him.

Before next visit, I'm supposed to come up with what my perfect scenario would be, and justify every element of it.... I'm going to start trying this now, but it will probably be a work in progress.

In a perfect world, for me anyway, and not a perfect world, in a world where I still have to live with the negative repercussions of my past stupidity, but where things still end up going the closest to my way they can....here's what it would be like.

Brian can like Michelle. She can be great for him, all nice, and Catholic, and jinglyfeet. She can be a great person. But Brian would feel like there's something missing. He doesn't have to be quite sure what it is.

Brian can be distrustful of me. He should be. He should be worried about getting hurt. But when all is said and done, he decides that he wants to give us a chance... not because there's anything wrong with her, but because he wants something just a little bit more. And he'd be willing to take the risk of getting hurt, because the idea of going through the rest of life not knowing if it really could have worked out is unbearable.

I would try, but I would also mess up sometimes. Brian would tell me when i'm being a jerk. And I would argue. But i would try to stop. And sometimes I would succeed. And i would be happy because Brian makes me happy. And Brian would be happy - because I could make him happy if I tried. And you would be able to see it on his face.

And at some point we would have a very cute baby that everyone would be jealous of.

And the baby would end sentences with prepositions, just like me.

I'm really excited for Hawaii in a couple of days. I would be even more excited if I were going on this perfect vacation with Brian. I'm going to try really hard to be on my best behavior and not be all depressive and not cry.

I'm slightly worried that if the situation presented itself, I would do inappropriate things with Bryan. Not because I want to, but because I want those things to mean less to me. And I don't want Brian to be special to me. This sorta came up on Friday. It was really awkward talking about these kinds of things with someone I don't know. I just need to remember that acting out doesn't actually make anything that happened between Brian and I mean any less. And it doesn't matter is something temporarily makes me feel better because i will feel immensely guilt about it later.

I think I can remember that. I hope I can.

"You're not making me like you. You might break up Michelle and me, but if you did I wouldn't want to be with you."

I feel really bad about this statement, actually I can't stop crying about it. It's probably one of the meanest things that anyone could say to me right now. I'm going to try to think about this the way Dr. Lewis suggested - figure out the reasons for it. Since i'm crazy enough to need a shrink, I guess I should do what they say. This will probably get really personal, but I'll do my best to be honest.

It's frustrating because I don't feel like it's accurate. I'm not trying to make anyone like me - there is nothing likable about me. I've never really thought that there is - but it was nice that I used to think that Brian saw something good about me. Something that would make someone think i was good enough, and worth it. At first, I didn't really believe that he actually liked me - it took a while for it to really sink it, for me to believe it.

Before Brian, I'm pretty sure that anyone who acted like they liked me at all was just trying to see what they could get. Maybe i was really casual about making out with people, at some point I thought it would make people like me, actually like me, not just want me to sleep with them. I don't think that's true at all - but young people have weird ideas and thoughts. So do adults - I still think that people would like me better if i were thinner. I know it's illogical and wrong, but it's hard to break those thoughts.

Then college happened, and out of no where I end up having sex with a guy I don't even know. It's not an consolation to me, but it was terrible and only a few minutes. At the time I had no idea what I was thinking, I wasn't really prepared for the situation. I didn't want it to happen. I wasn't really asked. I didn't stop it, I didn't try to. I've always wished it didn't happen. And I swore it would never be like that again.

And i was fine until Brian. He convinced me that he actually liked me. I was comfortable from the beginning. There was something really adorable and irresistable about the way he talked to me. I couldn't say no. I didn't want to. But it really meant something to me. I wish I would have told him that. I wish I would have told him that I took it really seriously. I was so stupid. I don't use my words very well. I definitely never told him that I cared, that I wouldn't have sex with him if I didn't think that I loved him.

I wasn't sure what to expect - but the first time Brian came out to California, it was hard for me to ignore how much I wanted to be with him. When I think back, it actually ended up being one of my favorite times with him. For me, it kinda started over then. I still can't figure out what's wrong with me? Why didn't I tell Brian how I felt?

And i'm so awkward and uncomfortable. I used to really really hate being naked. Even though he doesn't know or get it, I got so much better. I resisted a little - but the last time we were together I was pretty willing to get in that shower. I've always been a little afraid to admit how much I enjoy being with Brian. It was a slow process, and never really good enough for Brian, but it felt huge to me. And again, I thought he knew that it meant more to me than just a good time. I should have said - I should have told him how I really felt. I should have done a lot of things, but now it's too late.

Right now it's hard because I know it's my fault. I know I messed up. Dr. L said it's normal to be really unhappy after your first real break-up and that some people never really get over what they consider their first love. I guess that's kinda what this is for me - for all intents and purposes, my first everything. Maybe that's partially why it's so different for Brian - he's done this before, he believes moving on is possible. Maybe it is for him. That doesn't mean it is for me.

I miss Brian. Terribly. I miss how nice and caring and thoughtful and sweet he always was to me. I miss the look on this face when he was happy. I miss his voice. I miss his warm body cuddling with me. I miss his hands - just holding mine, or wrapped around me. I miss him inappropriately.

I want him to come visit because I want it back so badly. Stacey and Dr. L agree that it's a bad idea. That i'm going to come out of an upcoming visit devastated. That I keep pretending like Brian can come out here and everything will just work out and everyone will be blissfully happy. There probably right - but I can't bring myself to admit that there isn't a chance. That there isn't something to remember - something that will fix it. I want to live in a world where happiness is possible. I can't admit that there isn't a chance. I just can't. It's too hard. But I really might be sitting myself up for complete and total devastation. I'm not really suicidal just because I feel like dying. I don't actually make plans or attempts, I'm not that crazy. Dr. L doesn't need to talk to me about suicide hotlines and not being alone if I'm really upset. I told him that. He said he was just trying to cover everything in case the situation changed. I don't think he believes me.

He asked me what I needed to do to fix my life. I said I needed Brian. He said it was the wrong answer, and I have to keep working on this until that isn't my answer anymore. I don't want to talk to him again. I don't agree with this philosophy.

What do I need to do to impress Brian? It's not like i've been trying. I don't want to have to try. but I will if it will fix things.

I want Brian to stay up all night and talk to me about this until I feel better. Or until he wants me more than anything in the world.

I need him to like me as much as I like him. I need our past to mean as much to him as it does to me. I need him to want to be with me forever. Starting today.

I don't know how to deal with this.

I can't talk to you. It isn't enjoyable for me. Everytime we talk all I think about is how upset I am and how much I miss you. And how much i want/need you to choose me. love me. want to be with me more than anyone else. I have tried to just enjoy you, and let it go, it's not working. It's like someone dangling a brownie in front of your face constantly when you've given up sugar. I don't need to be constantly reminded of what I'm not good enough to have.

I just want to be good enough. I want to be good enough just the way that I am, but I would even change to make myself good enough.

I'm also upset that if i tell you this, you will say we shouldn't talk. That I need a break. STOP suggesting that. Do you know that it only makes me more upset. It makes it seem like that's what you want. That you're not even willing to fight for me to be your friend.

I want to be good enough to be fought for.

I wish you had time to tell me how your interview was.
Even one text that took 15-20 seconds.
It makes me feel unimportant.

I don't think i'm ever going to be okay.
not until you and michelle break up anyway.
not until you decide you want me.
and if that never happens
then i guess i'll never be okay.

Just give me a chance to prove it to you.

It's easy for me to say what I want right here.
I want you to stop liking her.
I want you to like me more.
I want there to be an ultimatum and I want to be the winner.
I want to be the reason you wake up in the morning.
I want you to think about me as much as I think about you.
I want to talk to you every single day.
Some days, I want to talk to you more than once.
Like when "i'll call you later" literally meant later that day.
I want you to come visit.
I want to come visit you.
I want to be allowed to touch you.

I want you to not be able to live without me.

I'm trying to settle for less, but ultimately it doesn't seem like it's working. How can you be happy knowing what you really want is just out of your reach?

How can you be happy knowing someone else has exactly what you want?

How can you be happy if you just can't bring yourself to believe that he just isn't right for you?

How can you be happy if you just can't bring yourself to believe that he is actually happy with someone else?

How do you make yourself get out of bed in the morning when you feel like you have nothing to live for?

What do you do when you feel like your just laying still and your body is going through the motions of life?

What happens when you still feel this way months later? And you don't think you're ever going to feel okay?

A world where this is the way things are is not a world I want to live in.

My life is not working. Why should I keep doing it.

I feel dead already. Like I’m just pretending everyday. Nothing is changing, nothing is getting better. It doesn’t matter how hard I try.

I’ve tried taking control of it. It doesn’t work. I’ve tried not caring. It doesn’t work.

The truth of the matter is – I have no control and I care a lot. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

There's nothing for me to stop. I'm not doing anything. 'm just having trouble resigning myself to the fact that I get nothing.

We used to talk everyday.
I said I was okay with not doing that.
Now it's once a week - maybe.

I keep making myself available at times that I'm really not. Like after I get home from work. I'm afraid if I don't make myself available then, I won't get anything at all. I'm always free for like two hours between 5pm and 7pm. You never are. You never give up a single thing to talk to me - whether it be a book, or a tv show you have DVD'd. I still lose even to the most basic things.

I'm trying to just be okay with this, and take what I can get it. But i'm starting to realize how wrong that is. You shouldn't just take something that's far below standards b/c you're afraid of not getting anything at all.

I need to stop being afraid.
I really am that great. I'm not the one whose losing by not being my friend.
You will realize it someday.
And it may very well be too late.

I'm just tired of being hurt over and over again every fukking day.
In addition to the contact rejection, I can't really take it.