It's New Year's Eve.... and until midnight anything can happen.

nothing matters

because i love him in a million different ways.

contexts

vignettes

times

days

like a brother, a best friend, in love

tomorrow, yesterday, right now

and something is better than nothing.

and this wasn't the only way to handle the situation.

i don't hold grudges

i can be swept off my feet

I won't die just because Jinglyfeet is in the picture.

I will die without him in my picture.

Not literally, but my will to

improve, succeed, live

everyday this is more and more real for me

everyday this isn't over for me

more than anything

i need resolution

and i need you

to have a little faith in me

Long day, three things:

1. Some Christmas pictures got tagged tonight and they reminded me how out of control my weight has been. Others have told me they have had similar problems when taking anti-depressants. I stopped taking the medications. I have no appetite. So hopefully it'll be fine soon.

But it's still kind of awkward - Hi, Stranger, I gained 20lbs recently because I was taking anti-depressants. You should ignore the extra weight, and the fact that I'm sad, and like me anyway. Thanks!

2. I'm addicted to "How I Met Your Mother". I think i should stop - it hasn't been helpful to my overall mood. But i really like it anyway. It's just another way that I give myself false hope.

3. I've been feeling really shitty the last few days. I'm really hoping that it will be at least tolerable my next week. On Monday, I didn't really get out of bed. Since then I've had no choice - if I did, I'd probably still be in bed. At least work is distracting.

I've got a lot more to say, I'm just not motivated to write it right now. Maybe tomorrow.

It isn't over until I say it's over.

I love my parents new house.

I really like to show you around.

Let you see my mom with eyeshadow on her cheek.

And my dad on a day he doesn't want to get out of bed.

they're hilarious

and they have good days

no matter how much they annoy me

they're irreplaceable

you're irreplaceable

it doesn't matter what job i have

or where i live

or anything else

as long as i'm with the people i love

Not good at saying "i love you", but i'll show you with my mouth

My How-To Guide

Step One: Quit

all the stupid shit your doing

thinking so highly of yourself

making your own decisions

Step Two: Believe

that things can be fixed

that God does know best

that you are strong enough

Step Three: Be Content

that you have done your best

you have cultivated and developed your God given talents

you have used those talents in a way that will make him proud

you have done all that you can do

and will let him do the rest

Be Happy in that.

There aren't a lot of things I like more than a challenge

And you're not really making this a challenge

Maybe an exercise in patience

which i need and therefore appreciate

but hardly a challenge

i like playing Risk

No, i like winning when I play Risk

i like logic games

i like taking tests

i like being good at things

No, i like being the best at things

It's easier when you're got nothing to lose

Just kick your feet out from under yourself

and fall

it's not that hard

just fall

and get back up

Headache and Heartache

i keep oscillating between leaving this up and taking it down - depending on my mood. I don't particularly want anyone reading it, i also don't necessarily mind if they do, it just depends on who those people are.

recently, it was my birthday, and i was so angry, i couldn't even fathom the thought of giving someone, anyone, specific people access to my private thoughts. It's not fair - this is something that has to be earned. You don't just get me for free. I'm worth a whole lot more than that. It's not fair that you get to read my thoughts, admissions, emotions and don't have to give anything in return.

i'm still working through that anger. Anger that we could both invest so much and you could just throw it away. i thought that maybe you'd think it was my birthday and know for me it isn't over and maybe just maybe you'd send a two word text or email or 3rd party message. Something. Anything. It was stupid of me to want that, to wish for that, to expect that. I know that, but I'm still angry/upset. I'm grateful that Stacey is there for me, but I feel so guilty sometimes for burdening her. I think that you should feel that way too, sorry that you've put her through this. Sorry that she has to listen to me cry for an hour on my birthday and try to make me feel better. Better yet - just sorry - for ever being in my life if you didn't intend to stay forever.

Then days like today, i'm more reflective. Even if i'm angry sometimes, overall it still makes me feel better to write like this. There's something different about it being public, like it makes it more real somehow. It's hard to explain, but it seems like I can be more honest in a public forum and I feel accountable for what I say. I don't feel accountable for what I write in my journal. I could just make up anything and know one would know or care. If I say I'm going to kill myself here, at least there's the possibility that someone may read it and look for justification that I'm not crazy.....or know that I am.

I don't think i'm going to get over this as long as I continue to sleep with your dog, and little brian, and find myself either reliving past incidences as a i fall asleep, or dreaming up new ones. the dreams are not real, they wouldn't really happen in real life, even if i were completely being myself, i don't know how you'd make me trust you that way again - but somehow I ignore that part and pretend. and it really is great for a few minutes.

I have to start living in reality, I need to force myself to do this. Everytime I catch myself daydreaming and I need to force myself to focus on reality. Over and over again, even though it hurts, it's the only way to make it get better eventually. I have to deal with it.

My reality isn't the same as your reality. I just have to go over your reality time and time again - until I make it true for me.

What is your reality?

- you aren't in love with me, you probably never were

- even if you did see me, you wouldn't feel anything, definitely not anything similar to what i feel

- you can live, plan your future, be happy without me, you are happy with your life absent me

- whatever friendship you would want with me is outweighed by your desire to be with someone else

- you're not a bad person for being/feeling this way

- MD meets all of your mimimum requirements, i do not, you're not going to change your requirements for me

- it doesn't matter whether i think she's good enough, or whether i think you need to raise/change your standards, nothing i think matters, this is your life, even the best written legal argument will not change how you feel

- my feelings do not impact your decisions, my feelings are mine, your feelings are yours