"In my opinion the best thing you can you do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with."

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=244661

Sometimes I wish I was public with this information, not that it's hidden or anything, but I sure wouldn't purposefully tell anyone about this site. It's embarrassing to be this honest. It's embarrassing to be this stupid. And for me, it's embarrassing that I let someone hurt me this much. I never intended too.

Someday I hope I at least get a real apology, some sort of indication that he actually feels bad about doing this, because so far I'll i've gotten is justification, and now we're not even talking. I don't even understand.

He could of at least texted or told Stacey or something. I have no idea - theoretically he could have died and no one told me. It's really unfair to just decide to completely cut someone out of your life without even explaining to them why. Maybe it's because your fat, ugly, stupid girlfriend told you to?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I could delete that right now and no one would ever know that I typed it, but I'm being honest, and that's honestly how I feel. When people get upset they lash out, I'm upset and lashing out. There's no excuse for that and i'm not going to hide it. Especially not on a blog that no one reads.

I did see the doctor.
He said it was a really good thing that I stopped taking the medication.
He seemed like he thought I was a little dumb for not realizing there was a problem earlier. Or for Stacey not realizing.
I tried to explain that I've been weird and emotional, and she didn't know about the medication. He still gave me a look like I'm dumb.
I'm glad there's a physician patient privilege. At least he can't tell anyone that he thinks i'm dumb.
He wanted to put me on Wellbutrin. I said no. I don't think I need it. So now I'm supposed to come back if things get worse or in a month to re-evaluate my psycho-ness. Great. Happy day for me.

He also said that everything should be out of my system soon. And if i feel like harming myself that I should go to the psych ward. LOL. I told him he has nothing to worry about. I'm too smart for that. Today.

I feel really guilty about all the crap i've put Brian through lately. I know that it's my fault and I can't just blame my crazyness on the medicine, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to. I don't feel like i've been myself at all, it'd be nice if i didn't have to deal with all that shit that "not myself" caused. We talked about the obsessive compulsive stuff. I guess that's somewhat of a normal side effect of Adderall for people who don't need it. Gee, thanks for telling me that up front. I don't have a problem focusing b/c there's something wrong with me, I have a problem focusing b/c i'm sad. Big difference. That's what I said from the beginning, don't try to convince me that I'm just a high functioning manic depressive with ADHD. That's not me.

I have my church group tomorrow. We're talking about marriage. I'm not very interested in this topic right now, it just makes me think about a lot of things I don't want to deal with. Like how I should have married brian when I had the chance. I'm pretty sure I might actually be happy now. I sure as hell wouldn't be in California. Ehh, it doesn't matter, I'm not going to be here much longer anyway. Can't wait for STL. I think that fixing that one piece of my life will really help with the overall. Although if i ended up all medication crazed out in STL, I might have burned MD's house down instead of just stabbing myself.

I wish my friends wouldn't send me this shit. They know it just makes me more upset. I don't need to know that she said this. I know I say that I want to know, but if you're actually my friend, you'll quit telling me.

"Well I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks she's crazy! Pretty much everyone thinks she's a nutcase!"

Today was first day not taking medication in a while. It’s not out of my system yet, but I already feel better. I’m sure it’s just in my head, but I already feel more like myself than I have in a few months. After I got all crazy researching on Monday, I found a lot of scary side effects. I think I have sleeping difficulty, sudden unexplained weight loss, mood swings, emotional changes, exacerbated depression, suicidal thoughts, and maybe even amphetamine psychosis.

On some level I can’t help but think that maybe the crazy that I’ve been lately isn’t really my fault. But I know I need to take responsibility for it. Genuinely. Even if my medication was making me crazy and making me not be me, I still am accountable for my actions.

Fine. I guess were not friends.
I can only try so goddamn hard.
Not even the impossible is good enough for you.

I didn't even do anything wrong.

truth is...
i don't believe you
i don't believe she makes you that happy
she wants you to change, be somebody else
when do you plan on taking her to one of your concerts?
i liked you better when you were yourself
and when what i said mattered

reality is...
you refuse to see me
is it because you don't think you can resist?
believe me, i can, so you don't need worry
and i have been real with you this entire time
not one single minute of
fake, sorority, snobby, bitchness
real tears, real anger, more than most have known

i am...
here
the same as i've always been
trying to stop waiting
for this to end, you to call, 5 o'clock, the bus
waiting
praying for release, an end, resolution
to this nightmare

you...
are not listening
are not being honest with how you feel
are not considering what's important
are stubborn
and wrong

I haven't felt like writing.
at least not in a way you can see
i'm tired of giving you the satisfaction of knowing i'm upset
today's the deadline i made
i made this deadline months ago - in may to be exact
and the day's almost over
i can't help but be really mad and upset
i hate you right now
you could have fixed this
it could have been perfect